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Him & Him
Commandments stone on slave-prince mountain maul
Less pay rebuke from quiet burdens pained
Thy new deems obsolete hath heaven call
Weeping doves cast crimson, edicts inane
Virtuous bride veneer exalting fifth
Wed tender beguil’d hands dearth commonplace
Forsake poor ills cherishing dev’lish sift
Abstract His binding ring; expunge thy grace
Hath said adoration shall relish flaws
Perhaps claimed forth heeding His hail and beck
Yet so accept tragedies, tender claws
Vehement joys s’rrounding thy face and neck?
Discern, breed sheep, elude, lest He appease
Exist no truer words abode of these
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This article has 111 comments.
Constructive Criticism:
You obviously have talent, but please put away the thesaurus. Use the words that come naturally from within. It just feels like you're forcing uncommon words into places where their modern counterparts would work equally well (unless it was your objective to use pre-modern launguage and rhyme scheme, which if that was the case your poem is flawless).
Cheerio!
Oh wait...I checked your profile thingy and saw one of your favorite authors. I see where you got your inspiration!!!
I'm serious about the play.
You should try to write an imitation Shakespeare poem or play. Honestly, it took me a while to decipher this (I appreciate your explanation).
Because you seem to have such a mature writing style, I would love it if you checked out my poem, "True Colors" that I wrote.