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Daddy's Womb MAG
April 23, 2008
i asked my father if i could swim,
and he said that i would drown.
The Sea would imprison me – he said
if my feet had left the ground.
So i walked out to the water,
and cried out – how ’bout now!
He said, a little bit further, Son,
and then you’ll leave the ground.
i stepped on sand then stone,
from hollow ground to sturdy.
The sky was at my level as I
gazed at the birdie.
The Sea brought me a new idea,
the urge to flee to the high.
i asked my Father if i could fly,
and he said, sure, Son – go try.
i jumped as high as i could.
Still, i landed on the ground.
i saw my Father pull on a chain,
then i knew that i was bound.
© Anonymous
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION
This article has 2183 comments.
PianoGal129 said...
on Dec. 26 2008 at 7:56 pm
I love the way you used the word 'imprison'. The rhyme scheme was excellent and the poem left me feeling satisfied which is always good. Is this about your relationship with your father? Or did you just write it on a whim?
leahgal831 said...
on Dec. 26 2008 at 7:32 am
I thought this was a wonderfully written free verse, but did not enjoy the ending very much.
ebony_is_beautiful_1 said...
on Dec. 26 2008 at 6:49 am
Listen, this poem may sound nice when read aloud. It may flow and some parts may ryhm, but it is not the best poem entered in this contest. I find it confusing (and not in the "wow, that is so abstract!" kind of way), and in some places contradictory of itself. (Not to mention the errors that should have been caught in a proof-reading.) I would not bother to leave such constructive crtisism if the poem had not been on the top for so many days. It is time to let some other pieces rise - "Daddy's Womb" has had its fifteen minutes.
maria-chan said...
on Dec. 23 2008 at 6:01 pm
I think I would've enjoyed this poem more if there had a purpose to it. It started out strong and I could relate, but then I totally lost you. Work on it some more.
julia said...
on Dec. 23 2008 at 5:42 pm
hey crich897,
do you try to go to every poem just to criticize it? how about you try writing a poem
do you try to go to every poem just to criticize it? how about you try writing a poem
longtermaddict said...
on Dec. 20 2008 at 10:32 pm
Ok, so I love writing reviews, but this one has got to be the hardest. On one level, it's vastly immature and hard to follow. The structure is alright, but the content is all wrong. A. It has an immaturity like I've never seen in a teen poem. It's boring and unoriginal and I think it could use a lot of work. For instance, kicking up the maturity level. You ARE a teenager.
B. I found it very hard to follow, as I said before. I, being a teenage poet myself, can critique this poem to an incredible extent.
However, I did find the methaphorical meanings in this poem intriguing. I don't know if you meant to symbolize the restraints of a parent in the manner in which you did, but it was very mind-boggling to me. Maybe if you had a bit more proper-training in the aspect of how to portray what you are trying to say more easily and in an all-around more put-together manner.
Keep working on boosting your maturity, but for the time being, avoid the childish subjects, even if they might be amusing to work on at times.
B. I found it very hard to follow, as I said before. I, being a teenage poet myself, can critique this poem to an incredible extent.
However, I did find the methaphorical meanings in this poem intriguing. I don't know if you meant to symbolize the restraints of a parent in the manner in which you did, but it was very mind-boggling to me. Maybe if you had a bit more proper-training in the aspect of how to portray what you are trying to say more easily and in an all-around more put-together manner.
Keep working on boosting your maturity, but for the time being, avoid the childish subjects, even if they might be amusing to work on at times.
ktshrimp18 said...
on Dec. 19 2008 at 2:04 am
I really liked this poem and how you expressed yourself. Keep writing! : )
word_addict said...
on Dec. 19 2008 at 1:26 am
wow, crich897... you're just a poetry genius, aren't you? you can have your opinions, but you don't have to be so rude and downright belligerent about them.
personally, i like the poem a lot. im sure many kids can relate to the message, i know i can. its beautifully written :] keep up the amazing work, i'd love to read more.
personally, i like the poem a lot. im sure many kids can relate to the message, i know i can. its beautifully written :] keep up the amazing work, i'd love to read more.
JelloGoMoo said...
on Dec. 18 2008 at 6:35 pm
This is a really nice poem and it makes me smile even if all the others say the part about the chain makes them sad or something. You're great even if the spelling might be bad. xP
arielle said...
on Dec. 17 2008 at 1:31 am
nice carl--i feel horrible about all the bad comments...it's definitely just because they're jealous :D Amazing Job!!
TWiN S4NCH3z said...
on Dec. 16 2008 at 2:55 pm
i liked the poem but i didnt much enjoy the end but of all it was really good and i liked the way you expressed your feelings
crich897 said...
on Dec. 15 2008 at 3:08 pm
By the way... why is this still on top?!?
Arnold said...
on Dec. 15 2008 at 12:59 am
Nice poem!
crich897 said...
on Dec. 13 2008 at 4:24 am
You know, it's hard to take someone seriously when they use words like "dnt" or use the wrong form of the word "they're".
dukes05 said...
on Dec. 10 2008 at 1:09 am
hey, your poem was great. you have a nice way of interpreting your feelings. lovin it
decimator said...
on Dec. 10 2008 at 1:03 am
Uh I don't get the part when his dad is telling him to go farther in the water, becuase then he would drown right? Then other people are talking about how they have this relationship with their dad..... sort of confusing.
Kat said...
on Dec. 10 2008 at 12:31 am
Hi Carl! I think that tis poem was done nicely. I'm not opinionated to your grammar. I'm not defending you, nor am I criticizing you. I am, however, telling you that this was inspiring and really good. Your vocabulary is stupendous! Don't worry about what people say. It only matters if you like it the way it is. :D
eazzybaby:) said...
on Dec. 9 2008 at 11:24 pm
very good.keep up the good work! ---forget the negative critism by the way,some people dnt know what their talking about.
Redemption65 said...
on Dec. 9 2008 at 9:13 pm
This is...strange. It is okay but I feel the idea of a kid wanting to fly in water is absurd.
.:-BeatleMania-:.
PS. If you find the time, please read my poem (in Teen Ink Raw) called Theatre of Life.