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Daddy's Womb MAG
i asked my father if i could swim,
and he said that i would drown.
The Sea would imprison me – he said
if my feet had left the ground.
So i walked out to the water,
and cried out – how ’bout now!
He said, a little bit further, Son,
and then you’ll leave the ground.
i stepped on sand then stone,
from hollow ground to sturdy.
The sky was at my level as I
gazed at the birdie.
The Sea brought me a new idea,
the urge to flee to the high.
i asked my Father if i could fly,
and he said, sure, Son – go try.
i jumped as high as i could.
Still, i landed on the ground.
i saw my Father pull on a chain,
then i knew that i was bound.
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This article has 2183 comments.
check out my fictional piece: TeenInk.com/Fiction/article/16690/Dreams/
No, I'm not cocky. I'm simple human! I know I have a lot to learn and a long way to go, but I will not sit quietly by and let anymore take away from my success! By the way, good isn't the best or the greatest! Don't confused arrogance with confidence.
Now can we please just talk about POETRY!
"And yes, I am a junior in college and I’m Editor-In-Chief of my college’s literary magazine and I got a 4.0, and blah blah blah blah blah—so yea, I think I know what I’m doing! I’m a good poet and a good human being. "
All I have to say is WOW. Now I understand why your writing ability is where it is! It's because you let yourself become cocky. Once you decide you are good, you become the worst. It's a good lesson.
Your poem wasn't bad, but you should never decide that you are a good poet.
You still have a lot of work to do and I suggest taking some sort of creative writing class; it helped me improve dramatically.
Best of wishes on a bright future!
And, Carl, that poem was lovely, almost lyrical. Keep it up, and consider it as a career!
don't listen to the people's criticism. you did a great job of writing the poem, better than i could ever write one. my dream is to actually write a poem that's meaningful and that actually makes sense. great job again!
melinda13
Great work!
Can we skip the drama please and get back to talking about poetry? Do you have a poem I can read?
P.S. Reread how many times I commented. I wasn’t putting anybody down! If you actually read what I wrote, you’d see that I have no problem with criticism, as long as your argument is developed and can sustain itself. And yes, I am a junior in college and I’m Editor-In-Chief of my college’s literary magazine and I got a 4.0, and blah blah blah blah blah—so yea, I think I know what I’m doing! And I’ll take the cokkie—I’m a good poet and a good human being. I specifically sent this poem to Teen Ink because of its content, and I refuse to send anything “mature”, as you put it, because this is Teen Ink…and all the bickering and lack of literary criticism proves my point. Now here’s where you get all upset—wait! What I’m actually saying is that this is a community intended for teens, and it’s a pretty great one, but one in which, I (and maybe even you) am no longer academically challenged in. Point blank, I’m growing up, as do we all.
If you're so well "educated", I would expect your writing to be of a much higher quality. It should have more depth and be more thought out. And the writer should be more mature. Instead of putting down every person who tells you something that they don't like, maybe you should listen to them. When you start hearing the same things repeated over and over by different people, maybe you should listen to what they say. People aren't on here just to say "you suck." and move on, we're telling you what we didn't like and everything in hopes that you'll use the feedback to improve your writings. Don't walk in here acting all arrogant and put down every person who gives you negative feedback. If you don't want people telling you that they honestly didn't like something, I suggest you not show your writings to other people.
Many people have said that they don't like the grammar, the style, the rhyme, etc. Maybe you should listen to them. If that many people think something is wrong, something might actually be wrong.
Don't walk around acting like you're better than everyone who is giving you feedback. Woohoo you're a junior, woohoo you work on a lit mag. Want a cookie? That doesn't make you any better than us. I too am a college student and I too have worked on lit mags. For all you know any of these writers leaving you feedback could've graduated college have masters degrees and be publish in tons of magazines. You don't want us to assume things about you and your writing? Then don't assume you're better than us.