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Daddy's Womb MAG
April 23, 2008
i asked my father if i could swim,
and he said that i would drown.
The Sea would imprison me – he said
if my feet had left the ground.
So i walked out to the water,
and cried out – how ’bout now!
He said, a little bit further, Son,
and then you’ll leave the ground.
i stepped on sand then stone,
from hollow ground to sturdy.
The sky was at my level as I
gazed at the birdie.
The Sea brought me a new idea,
the urge to flee to the high.
i asked my Father if i could fly,
and he said, sure, Son – go try.
i jumped as high as i could.
Still, i landed on the ground.
i saw my Father pull on a chain,
then i knew that i was bound.
© Anonymous
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JOIN THE DISCUSSION
This article has 2183 comments.
Ben Appleby BRONZE said...
on Mar. 28 2009 at 8:21 pm
Just Wanna Say:
This is an amazing piece, the best I've seen on here so far.
xx
This is an amazing piece, the best I've seen on here so far.
xx
.Misted.Ma SILVER said...
on Mar. 25 2009 at 5:16 pm
It's an odd poem but it kept the readers attention. Very different perspective to look at things. And it's very odd to see the relationship with a father described this way, i wouldn't know so that is very insightful.
xXTearxStainedXx BRONZE said...
on Mar. 25 2009 at 5:06 pm
very good. unexpected ending too.
mamacassx33 BRONZE said...
on Mar. 24 2009 at 3:00 pm
amazing!....i think you might like some of mine idk....well heres 1 of my best TeenInk.com/raw/Poetry/article/90045/Meth/
SillySarah BRONZE said...
on Mar. 21 2009 at 3:22 pm
I liked this it was cute.
sumthingspecial BRONZE said...
on Mar. 19 2009 at 11:38 pm
wow that was gud...:]
dulcenina1210 said...
on Mar. 19 2009 at 11:30 pm
Great work, really. I love the symbolism and how even though you could fly, you were still bound to earth and your dad was still somehow there to protect you. I would really appreciate some feedback on mine. I'm still pretty much a fledgling writer and I haven't had any really good criticism. TeenInk.com/raw/Poetry/article/92093/Guitar-String-Lover/
True220 said...
on Mar. 17 2009 at 4:50 pm
this is a lovely poem
lovesscola04 said...
on Mar. 16 2009 at 5:47 am
Several people on here have commented about the 'i's. Few, if any, have asked your reason for not capitalizing them, however. I'm curious to see if you had a particular reason. Some people, myself included, find meaning in little things like uncapitalized 'i's. It was an interesting peom to say the east, and I really liked it. Everyone has a different outlook on childhood and life in general, and I think that makes description even more important in such poems. Use more of it, please! Wait, no- if you want to, I think you should be more descriptive. I cannot tell you whether to use it or not, though. You have great potential! :D
project827 GOLD said...
on Mar. 15 2009 at 7:09 pm
interesting stuff, Carl. A good idea, but you could work on the presentation a bit.
LaLaLaLauren! BRONZE said...
on Mar. 7 2009 at 3:39 pm
Wow! That was amazing. Absolutely lovely. Your an amazing writer.
iAmTheStardust PLATINUM said...
on Mar. 7 2009 at 12:25 am
this poem is cooio, but what do you mean in the last 2 lines?
StrawberrySweetie SILVER said...
on Feb. 24 2009 at 2:26 am
Hello, this is a great poem. Keep up the good work! I loved how you threw in "birdie"!
ManateeMe said...
on Feb. 24 2009 at 12:59 am
It was good just work on it
katie said...
on Feb. 23 2009 at 2:15 pm
I REALLY LIKED THIS POEM!
Ewraith said...
on Feb. 23 2009 at 12:19 am
Wow i really liked it. But i agree that you should use a little more imagery. Question... How do i post my stuff
defamemyheart BRONZE said...
on Feb. 21 2009 at 11:40 pm
I really like the rhyme of this. However, I think you can improve your writing by using "brand names" and more visuals. Imagery is your best friend, in my opinion, but abstraction is very interesting, too. I think you just rest on the cusp of these two writing tools. If you revise to push your poem in one direction, I think you can really make this an awesome pice. It's still good right now!
JillianHale said...
on Feb. 21 2009 at 9:56 pm
hey, i really enjoyed your writing. i believe you are going to be a very successful writer someday. :]
Check out my stuff:
1)TeenInk.com/raw/Poetry/article/84313/The-Unveiled-Truth/
2)TeenInk.com/raw/Poetry/article/84315/Darkness/
3)TeenInk.com/raw/Poetry/article/84317/A-New-Beginning/
Please and thank you :D
(leave comments...hopefully good...)
Check out my stuff:
1)TeenInk.com/raw/Poetry/article/84313/The-Unveiled-Truth/
2)TeenInk.com/raw/Poetry/article/84315/Darkness/
3)TeenInk.com/raw/Poetry/article/84317/A-New-Beginning/
Please and thank you :D
(leave comments...hopefully good...)
I agree with the others I didn't expect the ending.
I love this.